That Level Of Intimacy

Being with you spinned my head around

That level of intimacy: so intense, so profound.

Now, I catch myself wondering about the reality of it all.

Was it like that just for me?

Could it be?

Could I have been deceived by my own emotions and desire that reality gave way to fantasy?

I see you walking distractedly.

We cross paths.

My body naturally comes to a halt.

I have so much to say

And yet words get stuck in my throat

I swallow them down

And we both act as if "us" never existed.

We speak so casually,

As if it wasn't just a few days ago that it all ended.

That is so strange,

Almost unnatural.

My mouth speaks in one way but my body feels something different.

My head and my body act like two independent entities.

I feel that wall between us,

it is still there.

That wall which I have felt for a while now

but could not work my way through.

I was afraid.

Unsure if I should fight against it or give it time to fade away.

I felt tired and uneasy.

Trying to navigate a new territory.

I gave it time,

A lot of time...

But now faced with that same wall still hidden behind courteous words.

I wish I had been braver.

That we had been braver.

It was easy to protect ourselves and block the other one out.

It is easy to not tell the truth that is kept deep inside.

That hurt.

Did it hurt you too?

It is so strange how we travelled through the emotions.

So intense at first

And so distant and cold at the end.

While acting along the whole way as if there was no disconnect.

What happened?

It is hard to pinpoint when the shift happened.

Was it my fault?

Was it yours?

Is there even fault to be found here?

Or was there more to it?

That I cannot see.

I don't have a clear answer.

I console myself with a perfect sentence 'la vita è così'

And yet, right now, facing you like this

I wish it wasn't so.

I wish we had done a better job.

I wish it wasn't so easy to walk away at the first bump on the road.

I wish we had spoken honestly and openly.

But it is so much easier to ignore everything and to walk away,

To give it all up.

How could it not be?

There is no need for effort when we live in a world like this,

where things are disposable

And people are easily replaced,

And a new lover is within the reach of finger tips against a screen.

I close my eyes and those shared moments seem to be simply a compilation of empty words.

Only shared to create an illusion of the birth of something special,

Something warm and gentle

While the reality was not like that at all.

Written: 13/10/2019